F*$# Being Offended by Kobe
Didgya hear about Kobe (Bryant) mouthing off to a ref the other night?
Are Kobe’s Words Really Offensive?
I guess he got pissed and called the ref a “fag!”
A fag? What? I seriously doubt his intent was to compare the ref to a cigarette (yes, that’s an old definition). But clearly, this was not a moment of higher thinking.
Personally, I don’t much care what he calls he refs. It’s a game and he’s playing. I’m not. But what got me to thinking was the amount of commentary I’ve heard about—especially the seeming millions of people who claim to be offended by his words.
Offended?
Why be offended by what Kobe, or any athlete, says in the heat of a game?
For that matter, why be offended at all?
The more I thought about this the more clear it seems that to be offended—to take offense—is a choice. A choice that can be harder to recognize when it’s someone close to you who’s directly calling you a bad-name. Still, it is no less a choice.
It’s the safe distance between Kobe and the offended parties that makes this an opportunity to create step into the space between the action (Kobe’s mouth moving) and the reaction (being offended).
Let’s break this down—get simple stupid here.
What Happened:
Kobe mouthed the word “Fag” at a ref after he made a call.
That’s the simple facts. That’s what he did. And that could be the end of it. We could state the facts. Like I opened my hands and the keys dropped to the floor.
You follow me here? Just the simple what happened.
Now, for the interesting part. The part that gets us all twisted up with stuff and burning cycles of energy and time.
The Meaning You Gave it:
Let’s say, I was one of the offended ones. Not being gay, it’s not a personal thing so let’s say his reckless display of disrespect towards those with a specific sexual preference angered me.
Now, do you get that this is the meaning I or you gave it. He didn’t do this, it’s meaning we, individually or collectively, assigned to his actions. Slow down here..Take it in.
It may seem like a subtle difference but it’s not.
I can hear the arguments now. “But that’s what he did!” “That’s so clearly what he meant.”
Okay, let’s pretend that for some odd reason, while pissed in the heat of the game, Kobe had premeditated to slander this specific group of people with this slur.
I know, hell of an imagination and stretch but we’re just pretending.
So, that’s what he “was doing.” How does you being angry about it help? How does it help the group he’s supposedly attacked, the sport, the team or you?
Who benefits from your anger?
As with most anger, most often no one. If you’re really concerned about the feelings and impact on the gay community, perhaps the better, more productive use of energy would be to send some positive energy out, be supportive in some way. Anything positive is worth a hell of a lot more than being angry at Kobe.
But let’s run with this “who benefits from the anger?” thread for a moment longer.
If there was any benefit to be gained by you being angry at Kobe, who might that be?
Try this one. Maybe it’s you—as in the person who’s angry.
How? Perhaps there’s a bit of ego at play here. Kobe does something we can all righteously agree is “bad” and we get to put on the righteous cowboy hats and point fingers at him, while shouting, “bad, bad, bad…man.”
And you know what? Weird as it sounds and hard as it is to admit to even ourselves, it feels a little bit good. Doesn’t it?
I mean here’s the famous, big shot, rich man with a bit of an attitude and a tinted grey background and then here’s us, working our asses off every day, trying to get by for a fraction of what he gets in wealth, fame and freedom for playing a game.
And now, if only for a moment I get to point my righteous finger and say, “bad, bad, bad man…” And I get to be “right” and people agree.
Well, that’s a good thing for I’m a good person and he’s a bad person. And the world can see my goodness in contrast. And you know, I may not make millions of dollars every day but I’m better than Kobe today! I have one on him and I’m going to kick back, sip my Bud and revel in this moment of conquest.
Do you think that some version of this may be ever so slightly true for some of the people waving the finger of judgment at Kobe. Could it be that being offended was a choice that worked in their favor?
Maybe?
Of course then, as I’m always willing to admit, I may be completely wrong. And Kobe may be a very, very bad man who did a bad, bad thing with bad intent.
It doesn’t matter what I say for ultimately how you see it is your choice. Or is it?
About Kobe and I
I think it’s worthy of note that I’m about the furthest from being a Kobe fan as you’ll find. I respect his game but as a Denver fan, I tire of the style and drama. I loved Jordan and think Kobe is as close as we’ve come to the MJ but the style of competition is different. MJ struck me as more passionate in a positive way.
I wanted to share this such that one doesn’t think this is some fan point of view.
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Henry
I am sorely disappointed by your expression of your sentiment in your blog post. I think what my mother always said is that you should treat people as you’d like to be treated yourself. Would whispering the N word to a black guy be acceptable. Of course not. The F word is no more acceptable, despite your protest.
If you think that it’s a waste of energy to be offended, perhaps you are right, but if I wasn’t offended, I’d do nothing. LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) rights are the last bastion of intolerance in the world, America and the middle east particularly. Thankfully some parts of the world are far more evolved.
Remember for many, being gay means they are not safe. We are beaten, bullied, shot, maimed and harassed. It doesn’t count only if I am receptive to a beating does it?! Words destroy peoples lives far more than physical violence – Gay and Lesbian teens commit suicide far more frequently than straight teens, just to stop the torment.
Your suggestion that Kobe’s words should be dismissed without a second thought, thankfully isn’t supported by the NBA, who immediately condemned his words. As an inspiration leader Shawn, you words have meaning to many, and they should be thought through carefully. You validate others unacceptable actions by them.
Bill Davis
Shawn, a while back, I was firmly told that something I said offended somebody. My retort was that there is no way I could offend you; the offended one needs to be receptive to it. You have to accept it and maybe even buy into the truth of it.
Another point: It’s funny how words’ meanings morph over time. Remember “smear the queer?” Played that game all day long. Thought nothing of it. Relished being the “queer” because it meant I had the ball!
Now it”s derogatory.
Morgan Westerman
How I see the holocaust is my choice too, but if my choosing to take offense calls attention to unacceptable treatment of fellow human beings by others, then it’s an easy choice for me to make.
Was Rosa Parks really offended that she had to sit at the back of the bus, or was she justified in her indignation. Maybe it wasn’t about the back of the bus, but about living one more day in a society that not only tolerates inequality, but promotes hatred as normal.
Yes, there’s “what happened” and there’s what we make it mean. That’s always the case. And sometimes the meaning we give a single event can open eyes, change perception, and make the world a better place.
Shawn Phillips
Morgan,
Thanks for your response. I appreciate the creativeness of the argument. And you’re absolutely right… yes, the holocaust is free to your interpretation. One can choose to carry an anger, live in fear, be filled with rage over it–and justifiably so. You can do so with all the righteousness of the universe.
(of course, you may be trying to say that in a “I can’t” sarcastic way… but I’ll over look that.)
A great example of this choice can be found, as it has by millions, through the eyes of a Jewish doctor confined to a concentration camp, who’s wife and family were murdered by the Nazi’s. The man, Viktor Frankl and the book, Man’s Search for Meaning is the quintessential work of choice, of freedom.
In his confinement and brutal existence, Frankl realized that the Nazi’s can do to him as they wish but he could live in freedom within his mind, by choice. That the only way for him to lose himself, his freedom and his soul was through choice… by allowing them “inside,” allowing them to dictate his mind and thoughts.
Now, that’s a rough, perfectly partially accurate summary but the basic idea. Thanks for reminding me of this. Terrific irony there.
I love the Rosa Parks reference too. Nice… Do you see a connection between Kobe and Rosa? Is he the oppressor of a group as the whites were to the blacks? Is there some even remote connection or is the soul point that Rosa was inspired by being offended?
My interpretation of Rosa’s actions and intent were in honor and respect for herself and the entire race of people. It was a stance, a position in favor of and for, less a disgusted response to being offended. But then again, I am not suggesting that there are not appropriate times to be offended or to react in anger, there certainly are.
My point is that we, as a whole, seem to have become increasingly reactive to small slights. The racist oppression of the south during the early 1900′s was not slight or subtle. Nor were the Nazi’s a subtle group. Once again, I don’t see a heated “Fag!” at the ref warranting emotional intensity on par with the holocaust or racism.
I in now was asked you or any to “tolerate” oppression–if that’s what Kobe was doing. Nor do I suggest that you live a life of passive abuse. But rather that you wake up and ask yourself the questions–why are you angry? What’s the good in this? Stuff like that. And that said, like I said, I may be wrong and you are free to be as angry as you feel good about.
As for the last paragraph, you say, “Yes, there’s “what happened” and there’s what we make it mean. That’s always the case. “ I’m so happy to see that and comforted to know that it seems painfully obvious to you. Of course, yes.. there is always that. But in my world, “of course,” most people have no separation between the two. Most people live with “what happened” and “my meaning” collapsed into one event.
It’s great that you have access… and with this access one is ever more empowered and free to rightfully choose their reactions. For that separation, that distinction is the root of choice.
Thank you for your enthusiasm and inspiration!
To Your Full Strength,
Shawn
Drew Rozell
thanks for writing this Shawn…
was contemplating writing the same thing and making the same point about being offended.
dated a girl years ago who had one of those “if you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention” bumperstickers.
did not take long to discover that she was a master of attracting things to be outraged about.
(she didn’t see it that way of course, nor could she see how angry she was much of the time. we parted ways.)
it’s easy to be righteous and condemn.
but in the end, what you push against only gets bigger. it’s self-defeating behavior in that way (though it can be hard for people to see this).
great post.
drew
p.s. not that it speaks to your point at all, but Kobe called the ref a “fucking faggot”. his expression, like his words, reminded me of a petulant middle schooler…
Brandon R Allen
Shawn,
Totally agree. Obviously certain words have a negative connotation that are offensive to some people. He apologized and that should be that. I do think it’s funny how athletes say they never meant to offend anyone with their words when he was directing his words at someone so obviously he meant to offend the ref if nothing else.